From the Halls to the Shores

"Fellow Americans, I come to you here today, a proud Vietnam Veteran who served his-"

"BABYKILLER!" Travis shouted.

"BUTCHER!" I joined in.

The crowd erupted in boos and hisses. Someone threw a minature French flag at me, which nearly poked my eye out. Kerry hesitated, a small bead of sweat rolling down his smooth, creaseless forehead. He cleared his throat and then went on.

"....who served his country proudly in Vietnam, while George Bush was AWOL from the Texas Air National-"

"HOW MANY GOOKS YA KILL TODAY, WAR HERO?" I shouted.

"HO HO HO CHI MINH!" Travis yelled.

The boos were deafening. Travis and I were pelted with trash and spittle. Suddenly, a strange, spectacled man grabbed us both by the scruffs of our necks, dragged us from the ballroom, and tossed us into the street.

Satisfied by our show of patriotic dissent, we collected ourselves and were just about to leave when a well-dressed fellow wearing a donkey lapel pin stopped us.

Travis gasped. My jaw dropped. Standing before us was the Grand Poobah of the DNC himself, Terry McCauliffe.

"Hey, fellas," he said, taking a drag from a turkish cigarette. "I heard what you said back there. Didn't you get the memo?"

"Memo?" I asked. "What memo?"

"The party's Official Stance on Military Service memo. We're going with a 'military service is important' approach this election cycle."

"Why? When did this happen?" Travis asked.

"When we finally found a candidate with a better military record than the Republican alternative," McCauliffe chuckled. "We looked high and low, even tried to run a republican General as a democrat, but people wouldn't buy it. They seem to be eating this Kerry freak up, though, so we're running with it. Sure, I know he's said some things in the past, but hold his service record up to Shrub's and we got ourselves the first democrat war hero president since JFK. In fact, he sorta reminds me of JFK."

"But will people go for it?"

"I think so. If not, Kerry is going to bring out Senator Biden's amputed limbs at the debates. Bush won't know what hit him."

I scratched my head. "I thought Senator Cleland was the dude who lost his limbs."

McCauliffe tossed his cigarette to the ground and crushed it under his foot. "Whatever. Anyway, I wish I could let you boys back in, but Al Franken would beat the living shit out of you."

We shook hands, said our goodbyes, and shuffled off into the cold night, kept warm by the deep sense of pride we felt for John Kerry, Vietnam Vet, War Hero, true American patriot, and Man of the People.