Feb 1, 2004

Super Bowl Slackday 

What does the red-blooded American male do on Super Bowl Sunday when he doesn’t like pro football? Why, he watches anyway, of course! I, like all other American men the world over who are within reach of a TV and not doing something more important, like saaaaay… going on a patrol through downtown Tikrit, or sleeping in a hole somewhere in Afghanistan… will report to my place of duty (my couch) for kickoff at 2330 Zulu, to watch the universe’s most overrated football game.

I’m not even entirely sure who’s playing, but I’ll root for the home team… wait… there isn’t a home team in the Super Bowl… it’s played on holy ground… or was that neutral ground?… Well, one’s Highlander and the other is football… whatever.

I really do not give a flying rat’s ass about this game. I don’t. I haven’t watched one NFL game all year. Some college games, sure. But the pros, their egos, and their incessant whining about how they aren’t getting enough cash are annoying. I prefer Major League Baseball… hey, consistency is for wimps.

Yes, it’s true - I said it: I don’t like Pro Football. I’m a baseball guy. And I’ll play a pickup game of football whenever, and I’ll watch college games, because those guys play with some fire. But the NFL leaves me flat. Give me a baseball game.

Well, that’s not entirely true either. I watched exactly TWO INNINGS of last year’s World Series. I just couldn’t get into either team. After my Mariners used the second half of the season to see just how fast they could implode (which has become standard operating procedure for them), I hardly watched any baseball at all. I got back into it when there was a chance at a Cubbies-BoSox Series. But we all know how that turned out. My theory is that both teams realized that if they played each other, one of them HAD to win… and neither of them was willing to take that chance. So they both bowed out early.

It’s too bad, too… can you even imagine the hysteria surrounding a Cubs-Red Sox Series? You couldn’t have pried guys away from their TVs with horses… tanks… rocket motors… sex.
“Honey – come upstairs… I’ve got the KY and the rubber sheets ready…”
“Yeah in a minute babe it’s the top of the eighth and the Cubs are up by one might be extra innings ya never know I’ll be along hey can you get me another brew before you go to bed thanks.”
By the way, that was all said in one breath… between pitches.

But, there I shall sit… hoping against hope for an interesting Super Bowl game. And I already know it ain’t gonna happen. Because the winner has already been decided: Miller. That’s right, the Miller Beer Company has already won because they have my money. And that’s what football is all about. So, I will sit on my couch, beer in hand, steak on plate, and watch the great American football game for all those guys who can’t. And enjoy the happy fact that I have the beer, and the steak, and the TV, because right now there’s some guy out there sleeping in a hole who doesn’t have any of those things. And when the time comes that I’m in the hole and he’s on his couch, I know he’ll do the same for me.

So as for the Super Bowl today, I can only really say one thing: GO BEARS!

And pass me another brewski.

Halftime UPDATE: So far the game has been OK. No real excitement until about 3 minutes before halftime. Cool ads so far. Even though AOL sucks, their ads with the guys from American Chopper have been pretty funny. My favorite though was the Bud ad where the donkey was trying out to be a Budweiser Clydesdale. The halftime show was weak, as per usual. But did I just see Janet Jackson's boob?

Game Over UPDATE: I stand corrected: that was a damn good game. Action packed 4th quarter - although I hate games that are decided by kickers. I want to see the offense go all the way to the end zone or not at all. Still, it was the best back and forth Super Bowl in a long while. Ad-wise: the Simpsons' Master Card ad was sweet, because... well, it was the Simpsons. And the Pepsi ad with Jimi Hendrix buying a Pepsi and his first guitar, vice a Coke and an accordian was good too. And I'm pretty sure I saw Janet Jackson's boob before...

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