From the Halls to the Shores

Here’s how I see the conversation:

Venezuelan: The US only went into Iraq because of the oil. They're going to take all of the oil, and sell it to fund their global imperialism.

Jeff: Well Christ I hope so! Ya know, we could have done that back in ’91 (like all you nutjobs accused us of then, too) when we had the older, wiser Bush, a REAL international coalition, and over twice the manpower! I mean, we could have been BATHING in crude for over a decade, but NOOOO. We had to go and let Saddam, Kofi Annan, the French, and the Russians get all the goodies out of that whole “Oil for Food” Program. That should be OURS! I’m tired of winning wars in oil rich countries only to watch my gas prices go up for a year. Oh yeah… regular unleaded is up to $1.70 a gallon! If I’m not paying pennies to fill my tank by the end of the year, we’ll have to invade Iran.

Hey, I just thought of something… if we were stealing all the oil back in ’91 (as I’m sure you were shouting then, too) how can we be stealing it again? Shouldn’t Iraq be totally DRY by now?

Venezuelan: United States free trade has killed the Venezuelan economy and they're on the path to do it again.

Jeff: Wait… you guys have an economy? That’s news to me… What do you use down there? Shells? Beads? Oh wait…. Bolivars. Hey, what’s the current exchange rate on the Bolivar? Hey it’s only 1976 Bolivar to the Dollar today. Yep, the bottom is falling out of the Bolivar. But it has been since the middle of the Clinton Administration so THAT’s nothing new. Before that… who knows? Apparently nobody cared enough to find out until 1995.

Venezuelan: I think that 9/11 wasn't enough. The United States is going to fall in my lifetime because they shit on everyone else in the world

Jeff: It’s not that we shit on everyone. We just don’t care. I mean think about it. How much does the average Venezuelan know about… sayyyyy… Andorra? I mean it’s a small country, on another continent, that produces nothing, and has no impact on Venezuela’s policies or day to day life. Well… YOU’RE our Andorra. We don’t give a flying fuck about you. You could fall off the world tomorrow and we wouldn’t even notice. America – love us or hate us – if we imploded tomorrow, EVERYBODY would feel it somehow. But all you little guys… whatever.

So why don’t you stop getting high on your own supply, and go get me a cup a coffee there, Juan Valdez. Oh wait… he’s not Venezuelan? Well, see? I DON’T CARE. Get to stepping Juan… lots of sugar, lots of cream.