Mar 4, 2004

The big elbow from the top rope 

I usually don't bother with participating in The Alliance's Precision Guided Humor assignments. My ability to conjure up the funny pales in comparison to guys like Don, Harvey, and the Hippie-Beater-in-Chief Frank J. But being as I somewhat inspired this week's assignment, I'd be remiss to sit this one out.

You see, our good friend Jeff has been stranded behind enemy lines in France. His secret callsign is Iron Eagle Tinfoil Croissant. In the last few days, he's run into trouble when confronted by some furriners that don't like the good ol' U S of A. Now Jeff is not one to suffer an insult to his homeland, and asked for some assistance in rebutting their claims. I, also not one to suffer such insults, was more than happy to help.

He was assailed most recently by a Venezuelan who said some nasty things. So, lifted straight from BigStick's comments section, and presented as my entry for Precision Guided Humor, here's my response...

Here’s how I see the conversation:

Venezuelan: The US only went into Iraq because of the oil. They're going to take all of the oil, and sell it to fund their global imperialism.

Jeff: Well Christ I hope so! Ya know, we could have done that back in ’91 (like all you nutjobs accused us of then, too) when we had the older, wiser Bush, a REAL international coalition, and over twice the manpower! I mean, we could have been BATHING in crude for over a decade, but NOOOO. We had to go and let Saddam, Kofi Annan, the French, and the Russians get all the goodies out of that whole “Oil for Food” Program. That should be OURS! I’m tired of winning wars in oil rich countries only to watch my gas prices go up for a year. Oh yeah… regular unleaded is up to $1.70 a gallon! If I’m not paying pennies to fill my tank by the end of the year, we’ll have to invade Iran.

Hey, I just thought of something… if we were stealing all the oil back in ’91 (as I’m sure you were shouting then, too) how can we be stealing it again? Shouldn’t Iraq be totally DRY by now?

Venezuelan: United States free trade has killed the Venezuelan economy and they're on the path to do it again.

Jeff: Wait… you guys have an economy? That’s news to me… What do you use down there? Shells? Beads? Oh wait…. Bolivars. Hey, what’s the current exchange rate on the Bolivar? Hey it’s only 1976 Bolivar to the Dollar today. Yep, the bottom is falling out of the Bolivar. But it has been since the middle of the Clinton Administration so THAT’s nothing new. Before that… who knows? Apparently nobody cared enough to find out until 1995.

Venezuelan: I think that 9/11 wasn't enough. The United States is going to fall in my lifetime because they shit on everyone else in the world

Jeff: It’s not that we shit on everyone. We just don’t care. I mean think about it. How much does the average Venezuelan know about… sayyyyy… Andorra? I mean it’s a small country, on another continent, that produces nothing, and has no impact on Venezuela’s policies or day to day life. Well… YOU’RE our Andorra. We don’t give a flying fuck about you. You could fall off the world tomorrow and we wouldn’t even notice. America – love us or hate us – if we imploded tomorrow, EVERYBODY would feel it somehow. But all you little guys… whatever.

So why don’t you stop getting high on your own supply, and go get me a cup a coffee there, Juan Valdez. Oh wait… he’s not Venezuelan? Well, see? I DON’T CARE. Get to stepping Juan… lots of sugar, lots of cream.
Jeff was good enough to point out that while some Columbians Venezuelans are jerks, not all are so insulting. Let it be known that my Precision Weaponry is only aimed at the jerks.

UPDATE: The Venezuelan Bolivar rallied for a comeback today, and is now worth 1917.6 to the dollar. Way to go! See, the big bad USA just can't keep those guys down!

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