Mar 17, 2004

News update 

In a startling display of naked aggression and imperialistic unilateral action today, America expressed it's desire to take over a small Caribbean nation and incorporate it into the country... oh wait.

This just in. The imperialistic and evil plan is NOT part of a U.S. strategy, but is in fact being perpetrated by... Canada? Huh? Who fact-checked this?

Meanwhile, Venezuela continues to think it's far more important to America than it really is. Even though it's number 4 in oil exports to the United States, President Bush was today quoted as saying that he preferred Iraqi to Venezuelan because it "has been tested in fire, can stand pressure longer, and is free flowing and filled with less sludge and detritus." Asked if he thought Iraqi oil would be forthcoming in large quantities for export in the coming months, the President said, "Oh... were we supposed to be talking about oil?"

When informed that Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez had promised to wage a "100 year war" against the United States if it ever invaded Venezuela, Bush's answer proved unintelligible through fits of laughter, but the phrase "he thinks he's that important" was clearly audible between the guffaws. Film at 11...

And in entertainment news, Forrest Gump's Platoon Commander visits wounded GI's at Walter Reed Army Medical Center and vows to become first mate on shrimpin' boat. Mike the Marine is quoted as saying, "Ooh-rah. Good on 'em."

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