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Aug 16, 2004

"News Alert" my ass 

Is anybody else out there sick to damn death of every event on the face of the freaking earth being called a "Fox News Alert"?

I mean, all the news stations do this - but Fox is the worst offender as far as I can tell. And they get me every time.

-The lovely Laurie Dhue: "FOX NEWS ALERT!"
-Mike the Marine (moving closer to the TV): "OOH, OOH, maybe we blew up Osama!"
-The lovely Laurie Dhue: "Here we see Michael Jackson, in the 15 second long clip that we have of him walking from his bus to the courthouse. We've been playing it all day. .. And let's watch that again..."
- Mike the Marine (throwing things at TV): "GOTTDAMMIT!"
I don't give a rats ass about Kobe, Jacko, Scott Peterson, that new nutball Hacking, and most especially Martha Stewart. And it's not that I even think they're all guilty; I don't.

- Kobe Bryant: Dumbass. Getting raked over the coals for cash - but still a dumbass. Why would you cheat when your wife looks like THAT? Lousy husband, NOT a rapist.
- Michael Jackson: Weird as hell. May or may not be guilty. I don't care - just don't make me look at that freak anymore.
- Scott Peterson: Guilty as hell. Slimy as hell. And a TERRIBLE liar.
- Nutjob Hacking: Guilty as hell. Nutty as hell. Doesn't have brain capacity to lie.
- Martha Stewart: Guilty and stupid. If she'd kept those shares, she'd have MADE money by now. Her initial bailout only saved her something like 50 grand. She's worth MILLIONS. Dumbass.

As for the famous types, I can at least understand why the news keeps going back to them. Hell, they're famous. But the two wife killers perplex me. I mean, how many spousal murders are there in America in a year? It must be in the hundreds thousands. At least it was a couple years ago. I guess it's the flavor of the month or something. Like that rash of kidnappings was last year. Anybody remember that? Those were worthy of the "Fox News Alert!!!" too. Call me callous, but after weeks and even months of hearing nothing new, I don't need to be alerted to the fact that there's NOTHING NEW. Tell me when it's over... or don't... I don't give a shit.

Isn't there some other stuff going on the world? Hmmm? War on terrorism, ring a bell? Hurricane cleanup? Cat up tree? ANYTHING?!?

The only way I want another Fox News Alert to come out of this would be something like...
-The lovely Laurie Dhue: "FOX NEWS ALERT!"
-Mike the Marine (moving closer to the TV): "OOH, OOH, maybe we blew up... anything!"
-The lovely Laurie Dhue: "Here we see Michael Jackson, in the 15 second long clip that we have of him walking from his bus...
-Mike the Marine (throwing things at TV): "GOTTDAMMIT! NOT AGAIN!"
-The lovely Laurie Dhue: "Hey, I'm not finished!"
-Mike the Marine: "Huh?"
-The lovely Laurie Dhue: "As I was saying - leaving his bus on the way into Ceasar's here in Vegas to take part in the five man death match that's about to begin. Jacko, the two wife killers, Kobe, and the Dark Princess of Floral Patterns, will duke it out in a no-holds-barred cage match. Betting closes in 30 minutes. Five go in - one comes out. And that one may still be summarily executed via an explosive earwig... sort of a combination between 'Wrath of Kahn' and 'Scanners'."
-Mike the Marine: "SWEET!"
-The lovely Laurie Dhue: "Thought you'd like that."
That would be one of the most joyful, tear-filled days of my life.
Posted by: Mike the Marine / 17:38
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