Oct 9, 2009

There he is. Miss America?‏ 

My head exploded.

Blew right the f@ck up.

I got in my car this morning, turned on the radio, and then – like a mafia hit – brains splattered all over the inside of the vehicle. It looked like that scene at the end of “Pulp Fiction” where Travolta shoots the guy in the face. Grey matter on the windows. Blood and bits of scorched skull gathering in the folds of the seat cusions.

They gave him what?

They gave Obama… WHAT!?

Barack H. Obama? Jesus H. Christ…

If this doesn’t lock down for everyone that the Nobel Peace Prize is now the biggest f@cking farce in the world, I don’t know what will. Once upon a time, the Prize held some kind of meaning. Look at the list. Mother Teresa. MLK. Albert Schweitzer. Lech Walesa. Even Teddy Roosevelt got in on the act with the peace treaty he honchoed between the Ruskies and the Japanese. And then things go slightly awry.

Yasser Arafat? Check. Jimmy Carter? Check. Kofi freaking Annan in 2001, while “Oil for Food” was scandalizing it’s merry away through Iraq and around the world? Check. Let’s take a trip to the wayback machine: Woodrow Wilson… for his creation of the League of Nations. Yeah, that worked out great. And apparently Gorbachev ended the Cold War all on his lonesome. Thatcher? Reagan? John Paul II? Who? All of which brings us to the Goracle himself, with his big grab bag full of overheated lies, “An Inconvenient Truth… because it isn’t.”

But I will give Algore this: at least he did SOMETHING. He made a movie full of half-truths and outright falsehoods, followed it with multiple fossil fueled trips jetting around the world to sell said movie, and made sure he left the lights, a/c, and a small thermonuclear reactor running in his home 24/7 - racking up an electric bill to the tune of 24 times larger than the average American’s – while he was out telling us all about how evil we were for driving our SUVs. But what – and I’m serious here – did Obama do to “deserve” the Nobel? And given the timing, on what basis was he even nominated?

The nomination process closed February 1st. That means the man was nominated less than 12 days into his Presidency - or, mind numbingly, before he had even taken office. At that point he had signed the order to close Gitmo… which has since been basically rescinded. And… wait… gimme a second…

In the middle of February, he ordered a troop INCREASE for Afghanistan – not exactly the most “peaceful” of decisions. Yes, the Taliban and I somehow agree on this... which makes me a terrorist by the way, or something. And since then… what? You don’t suppose they’ve been sitting on announcing the next decision on Afghanistan because they thought another troop increase might spoil the Nobel, do you? Nooooo. They wouldn’t do that. At least I don’t think so. I mean, that would imply that somebody in the White House knew what the plan was and then waited for the Nobel announcement. I say that’s impossible because it doesn’t meet the first criteria: knowing the plan.

So why, then? Well, you want the official explanation? “He makes us feel funny in the pants.” Okay, maybe that’s not a direct quote. But this is:
"The Norwegian Nobel Committee has decided that the Nobel Peace Prize for 2009 is to be awarded to President Barack Obama for his extraordinary efforts to strengthen international diplomacy and cooperation between peoples. The Committee has attached special importance to Obama's vision of and work for a world without nuclear weapons.”
That’s right… he won the Nobel Peace Prize by – like every other beauty queen in the history of ever – wishing for world peace. Every Miss America, Miss Universe, and Miss Strawberry Festival around the planet has been shorted since 1901, and they should be calling the switchboard in Norway asking to be put through to the Nobel Committee immediately. And since they're giving the things away based on good intentions and expressed interests, I say give him the Heisman too. I'm sure he likes college football as much as the next guy... why not? No, really. Give it to him.

So, congrats to POTUS/Miss Illinois. “Only very rarely has a person to the same extent as Obama captured the world's attention and given its people hope for a better future.” Between his Jesus-like ability to “capture attention” and “give hope,” and his forthcoming reenactment of the scene in Superman IV where he’ll be putting all our nukes in a giant net and throwing them into the sun, I am truly inspired. So much so, obviously, that my head exploded.
UPDATE: Great minds think alike.

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